Nostalgia. Looking in mirrors and seeing ghosts. Ghost of the past haunt hard. When families were together. When both of your parents were alive. When the future was the future not the now. A child reflecting about whom he would be as a man. I would have a flat top and of course be a tough guy that no one would mess with or suffer the consequences. I would wear a tie and carry a briefcase to work every day. I would not take the lord’s name in vain, ever. Solid. Trustworthy. Dependable.

With all that said, the future will bite you on the ass. It will sneak up and put you in a burlap sack and beat you until you are black and blue. Time is elusive. We are transient energy floating on a rock in space. I do not wear ties to work. I do not carry a briefcase. I win my battles not with my fist but with my words. I have broadened my definition of myself. Learned to be flexible with my self discovery. However, I am still trying to be solid, trustworthy, and dependable. Still trying. Are you?

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I’ve never been popular. I walked by all the kids
in the hall at school. The jocks. The preps. The alternatives.
The surfers. The nerds. I saw them all and they saw me, but I just
kept on walking.

I have looked for a sense of community my whole life. Belonging.
How is this sense of community accomplished?
The groups begin to select who they want in the group.
Who is a valid part of the group? Who has something to add to the group?

A group is comprised of those who have common goals
and vision. To a teenager it might be seen as similar clothing
or taste in music. To a soldier it might be seen as similar
career goals or places of origin.

Community is what you make of it. A community can be physical,
mental, or virtual. Or a mix of all three. I am engaged in the process
of inventing my community. To surround myself with like minds. To
surround myself with inspiration.

There must come a time in our lives when we select from the population our own group. Where we define ourselves by the company we keep. If you are not with me on this journey, you are not against me. But you are not one of me. You define yourself as such. I see you as such.

Delete function in progress.

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Feeling flat. Flat to give. Flat to take. Running
out of gas. Running on empty. The fuel light is on
and you just want to see how far you can go.
How far can I go on empty?

I feel like I’ve given so much. But it’s never enough. Never enough
when you feel there is so much more to give. So much
more to aspire to.

Feeling the Monday blues on Wednesday.
I haven’t invested enough time in this process or that process.
Never enough. Always more.

I’m hooked. I’m twitching. Twitching to do more. Be
more. See more. Experience more. Weaned on Atari.
Programmed by Nintendo.

And cracked out on Reality T.V.
I rush home for it. I schedule my night around it. Becoming a
statistic. Just another number. And loving every minute of it.
Ace is dreamy. Paris is sassy. Elliot can really sing.
Mandesa has soul. Taylor is a real musician. And I’m just
watching. Hanging on ever minute. Every high and low note.

The reality is we have a war still going on. I don’t make enough to buy a house.
My health can be an issue at any moment. There will most definitely be another terrorist attack in the U.S. The planet is over populated. My career isn’t going quite the way I would have hoped. But thankfully I have a wonderful new born baby girl and a loving wife.

We don’t know where we will be one year from now, or even tomorrow. But on Tuesday night my show comes on. And we can count on that. We can count on not thinking. Not worrying for an hour. And stop everything with 40 million other viewers and watch American Idol while everything keeps going on around, in and about us. Globally. Politically. Strategically. Environmentally. The world keeps on a changing.

Change may be constant. But when one becomes inundated with it on a daily basis human coping mechanisms seem to tune out what is important and turn on what isn’t. And the wonderful thing about it is, I am not ashamed. I have something to look forward to.

Ace is dreamy. Paris is sassy. Elliot can really sing.
Mandesa has soul. Taylor is a real musician. And I’m just
watching. Hanging on ever minute. Every high and low of life.

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Words move outside vast systems. Merge loyalties. Draw relationships.
Cover warm bodies. Protect from winter winds.

Sleep in this weekend. Miss you. Need you. In this place. Misplaced because one and one makes three.

One and one makes you and me and together we make three.

Enjoy simple pleasures. Return here asap. Healthy. And wealthy and well put together.

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Teeth grabbing food like fingers. Touching everything with sensitive
wonderings. Teeth like fingers of an infant in my mouth. Bleeding. Pain.

Build up scrubbed and picked dry. I had my teeth cleaned today. It was a massacre. Four years of decay clinging to my insides.

Growing and building their forts. To take over. One tooth at a time. Building a castle in me. Offense. Defense.

Gums bleeding for the battle was long and nonmedicated. Four years of tooth decay scrubbed bare leaving sensitive teeth to touch food with bare infant fingers.

We are life forms hosting other life forms. Living on a life form who is hosting other life forms. And no one wants to leave here without a fight. Not even bacteria.

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